Nice Noses

Setting the stage...
[me, sitting at table; Sawyer walks in from kitchen and tells me the following]


I was standing at the spice cabinet, smelling.
I thought to myself- sometimes I think God gave us noses just to be nice.

[makes me wonder what spice he was enjoying]
He says "basil, bay leaves, crushed red pepper, cilantro..."

[Imagine his 9 yr old self standing at our verticle spice cabinet running his nose back and forth across each of the shelves. :-) ]

Brother is Effected

As our world focuses more acutely on Dempsey and his cancer journey, we are reminded that Sawyer is effected too.

Sawyer is such a sensitive boy by nature. Always wanting to please people and make them happy. He wants justice and is quick to give mercy. So, when little brother Dempsey is dealing with chemotions, Sawyer is left in the wake of his anger, frustration, sadness, or other not-so-pleasant emotions.

Sawyer knows in his head that Dempsey's struggle is big and seemingly eternal. However, the emotional sting of unkind words, even when he logically knows they are are unfounded, hurts. It hurts and his heart has a hard time reconciling Truth from emotional fiction. Dempsey has this problem too.

So often emotions run HIGH and it takes intentional grounding of ourselves with physical connection, quite space sharing, momentary separation, or verbal processing to center them. This is EXHAUSTING. Lots of tears. Lots of questions. Lots of "I don't know". Lots of "I don't have words". Just... lots.

Please keep Sawyer in your prayers too. Pray specifically for protection over his heart and his mind. He has been preyed upon by dark forces for most of his life. He is annointed and that makes him a target for such attacks. I work with him on rebuking the darkness and the voices that feed negativity into his sweet 9yr old mind. I give him words to use as tools and weapons of defense in that fight. Admittedly he is weak sometimes and has a hard time with endurance. In those moments may our prayers fill in the gap and fight for him.

He is the best brother Dempsey could have. A heart of gold and a sweet, gentle spirit. He will do great things for the Kingdom- he already is.

Not Okay

This morning Sawyer, Daddy, and I had tea. Sawyer and I had tea lattes (tea with milk) and Daddy Jake just had tea. Mint tea. Sawyer smelled it and said "That's just not okay."

Coffee cake... that's okay.

Cherry Lime gum... that's okay.

Mint tea? Not okay.

As if he's the end all be all of "good taste". LOL He cracks me up.

Brother Love

"I don't know what I did to deserve Dempsey as a brother." ❤️

This, after some emotional and verbal bumps in the day.

Cancer really has put things into perspective for all of us. These boys are remarkable.

I am blessed to mother these two.

Sanctification of Motherhood

Y'all, not gonna lie... today the sanctification of motherhood stings.

How many of you are those people who are emphatically enthusiastic while watching your child play a sport? Hands up.

Okay, so, two of you. Excellent.

Me too.

I never thought I would be that mom, but I certainly am. So what? So, my oldest son cannot handle hearing my voice in that tone while he's playing soccer. It doesn't matter if I'm right about the directions I am bellowing out. He cannot emotionally handle it. I envision my voice shaking the very core of him like the vibrations a bell experiences when it has been hit with gusto. But, instead of making a glorious sound, it causes him to crack emotionally and he grows unsure of his footing.

So, as his mama I have two choices. 1- I can ignore the impact my voice, in this instance, has on him and continue on in MY ways or 2- I can die to myself (sanctification) in this area in and effort to honor GOD's child I am blessed to be raising.

Sawyer and I had some DEEP conversation today on the way home from his game. I shared my heart and acknowledged that what he needs from me is hard and it hurts. It really does hurt, people. It stings worse because of the journey I'm on with Dempsey. So many things, so many parts of me, are being sanctified and I'm rather tired of it. I just want to be ME. I don't want to be an altered version of ME. However, that is not what the Lord is asking of me. He is asking me to be obedient to him, to the point of pain and deep discomfort, so that I may be sanctified into the creation HE designed me to be.

It sucks. It sraight up sucks. Daily dying to myself, my desires, my wants, even some of my perceived needs... in order to edify, encourage, honor, and respect others as they become more and more of who God designed THEM to be.

Motherhood is hard. Well, doing motherhood right sure is. The Lord allowed me to witness someone doing motherhood wrong today. I know that sounds judgy... perhaps it is. My heart just broke as I listened to her degrade, belittle, destroy parts of her child. The way she behaved towards this child made me cry out to God and request that he protect that little one's heart and mind. I then prayed for the woman who clearly has some baggage she needs to unpack at the foot of the Cross (like I do!). This experience made me reach out and lovingly touch Sawyer. I looked into his eyes and told him something I tell him often- "You matter to me. I am blessed to be your mama. I am grateful to God for allowing me to do life with you." The way Sawyer's face lit up was evidence that his soul was alive and affirmed. Those moments are easy.

It's these moments of sanctification that are HARD.

Because of my wiring, the part that fails to meet the emotional needs of my Sawyer in the soccer arena, I am benching my voice while at Sawyer's games. Do y'all know what kind of hell I will be in? The kind where there is something clawing to get out of you and you have to use everything you have to keep the beast caged. While Sawyer puts on his soccer uniform, I'm going to have to go into my War Room, annoint myself, and pray like the dickens that the Holy Spirit will close my mouth and allow my mama heart to not harbor resentment to my child who is clearly wired differently, by God, than me.

Friends, let me encourage you in this crazy hard journey called parenthood. It IS worth it. I promise. When you put the hard work in early you will reap the rewards later on. Stick to your guns. Find grace at the Cross. Extend the grace you find there to others around you- they need it too! Can we all link arms in solidarity and clasp hands in prayer? Go forth and bless others as Christ has blessed you.

Wisdom a la Sawyer

Sitting at the lunch table, I was drinking a pineapple/ peach flavored kombucha. Sawyer asked me, "So, you like it?" I said, "It's weird. Strange. Different." He looks at me and goes, "Oh, it's NEW."

"New"... exactly!

In time this "different", "strange", "weird" drink would become known, familiar, enjoyed. But, for now, it's "new".

This kid. So wise! I am blessed to be his momma. Most days I just cannot fathom God's graciousness in allowing me to raise this incredible human being.

Audible Bible

I came out to the living room after helping Dempsey with his detox bath and found Sawyer on the couch with his iPhone.

What was he doing? Playing a game? Texting?

Nope. He was listening to Genesis 1 being read aloud from the Bible app.

It is so clear that his boy needs MORE Truth and Biblical teaching/ reading in his life.

Noted.

Satan Be Gone

I LOVE that Sawyer has been telling us why he believes he isn't having bad dreams anymore.

See, awhile back I taught him how to rebuke demons. Why? Because Sawyer is annointed and that makes him a BIG target for spiritual warfare. So, I taught him what spiritual warfare is and how do defend himself against it. One of the tools I gave was audibly rebuking the demons that would prey on his mind.

Now, he says "In the name of God, get out of my head, Satan." Then he prays to God to give him good dreams and keep the bad dreams away.

He says that ever since he started doing that he hasn't had bad dreams. Strange dreams, a few, but not bad dreams.

Tonight Jake challenged him. Jake said "What happens when you do end up having bad dreams again." Sawyer had a hard time answering because he truly believes if he keeps doing this he won't have any.

I love his faith!! If/when he has another bad dream, that will be a great teaching moment and discussion time.

My Silly Sawyer

This kid cracks me up.

I love how he takes photos and texts me.

I love that he is mindful of nutrition and desires to do well in this area.

I am blessed to me his mama.

Morning Chat with Sawyer

Sawyer brought up a former classmate of his who has a serious disrespect for females. He said "I hate it when boys use the excuse 'God made Adam first' to say boys are more important than girls."

I agreed. We went on and discussed how God didn't say Adam was "good" until AFTER Eve was created because man was not complete without woman. A beautiful topic to discuss with my SON.

Sawyer has said before "I mean, I don't know why boys think guys are more important than girls... without girls, the guys wouldn't be here."

I love this kid so much. Always thinking. Always laying this world over Scripture and seeing discrepencies. It's beautiful.

Biggest Heart Ever

Sawyer told Dempsey, "I am going to go pray for you."
Dempsey: What?
Sawyer: I'm going to tell God some things about you.
Dempsey: Oh, okay.

I asked Sawyer afterward, "What were you praying about?"

He told me the following:
I had a dream that Dempsey was lost and dying. Then, when I woke up, I saw Dempsey was fine. I told God, "Thank you for the sign of the dream that I was pretty sure meant I should enjoy the time I spend with Dempsey."

What?! His capacity as a human being surpasses that of 99% of his peers and perhaps 90% of adults. He genuinely loves and cares for everyone. He is such a blessing to be around and a treasure to parent.

Beetle Joke

Q: What do you call a 13 year old fruit beetle that was good at sports and just died?

A: PRO-tein (teen)

*other animals would benefit health wise from eating said dead beetle. 😉

Revelation & Baseball

This morning, on the way to his last day of baseball camp, we were listening to For King and Country. Somehow we ended up on the book of Revelation from Scripture.

This kid... he gets it! He gets that earth is not our home. That life without God is despair-filled. That you can't get something from nothing. That Revelation isnmt literal but full of symbolic "visions". He even used the word "vision" when he said "not fantasies but..."

I LOVE talking spiritual stuff with my kid!! I don't know what all the Lord has planned for him but I know it's BIG in Kingdom measures.

Back on April 6th

Sawyer told me that “If I get sick soon, it won’t be a surprise.”

I said why?

He said "Because God would have answered my prayer."

What prayer?

"That God would replace Dempsey’s sickness with mine." (aka- God would give Sawyer the sickness instead of Dempsey)

If this doesn't speak to the heart of who Sawyer is... then I don't know what would.

Baseball

Fwd: Hi

An email from a friend. Love it!

On Sat, Jun 4, 2016 at 7:11 PM, Michelle wrote:

Just a quick note to say, hi. I ran into your parents and Sawyer while my husband and I were out at dinner. It was good to see them. I introduced myself to Sawyer, telling him, "I know your mom." His response, "My mom knows everyone." 😄 Too funny. Thought you'd enjoy that.
--Michelle

Watch Over My Babies

Lord,

Your ways are not our ways.

As I tucked my babies into bed tonight, I felt such a rush of emotion. Holding back tears I laid Dempsey on his bed and pulled sheets over his little sleeping body. Thoughts of love, laughter, leukemia, reality, the very moment, how much of my heart he holds... came flooding forth. As I prayed with Sawyer, hand in hand, I could feel the eyelid dams starting to give way. This young man is an incredible gift. So full of grace, understanding, respect, hope, curiosity, humor, challenge. The words of prayer just flowed... please help us to parent him well... may he always be honest with us... continue shaping him into the Godly man you desire him to be... help us to always she who he is and not only who we would have to be... My mama heart just overflows with love and pride for this boy.

To look at sleeping faces is, for me, to see the fingerprints of God. To see my purpose in life, right there before me. I don't need to search for it. I don't need to even cultivate it. I simply need to open my eyes and follow my heart's beckoning. I was made to mother. I don't do it as well as I would hope to all the time but I do the job only I can do.

I ran into a friend at Target this morning. Divine appointment. She said something that struck a cord and has resonated with me all day... God made you who you needed to be for every situation you have faced (or will face). So true. I wasn't "ready" to have Sawyer when I did. But God said I was. Looking back, I can see how right he was. That boy has been my rock since he was born although it would take until our family's tragedy a year later to realize it. God knew it would take a few years before I was "ready" (or perhaps it was Jake who needed work... hahaha) to have a second child. I was just the mom Dempsey needed. All throughout their short lives I have been the very person they have needed for the journey God has planned for them. The guilt eases when you look at mothering this way. All the mistakes I've made, the anger I have exuded, the frustration, the grace, the hugs, the scowls, the hand holding, the long conversations, the looks, the prayers, the tears, the fears, the worry.... oh, lord, the worry... it has all been the way God knew it would be and he will make it all work out for his glory.

I have enjoyed viewing my babies as books with no words. I was to write their story until they could write it for themselves. The lessons they learn, the ideals I hope to instill, the ability to think well, the gift of living well I want to foster, and the prayers of finding Kingdom purpose throughout their lives are all things that are filling up their pages. Now, I would not have chosen a chapter in Dempsey's book called Leukemia, but there it is. Bold. Brazen. Scary. Hope-filled. We are currently assisting Dempsey in writing this chapter so there are no "spoiler alerts" to be had at present. Honestly, though, I'm eager for this chapter's end- prayerful it's a perfect resolution (healing) with no negative plot lines to pepper the rest of the book. We are learning how to fill Sawyer's chapter titled A Brother with Cancer with grace, emotional development, honing expression skills, the power of prayer, learning to look for the Kingdom perspective, and more. So, you can see that these chapters in the boys' books are gonna be page turners! No Cliff Notes in God's class.

For such a time as this... Man, that Mordecai sure was wise.

To my boys:

You have my heart. There is nothing you can do that can make me love you any less. I pray one day you will look at someone with a heart full of unconditional love and realize your Heavenly Father loves you like that... and even in a more perfect way. Your lives are not on accident, my loves. You were made to mold me, and I you, for a Kingdom purpose that will outlast us all. Please keep your eyes toward heaven, you mind in the Word, your hands assisting those around you, your feet in line with God's direction, and your mouth ever-espousing the Truth to all you meet. I don't know what God's gonna do with you and I consider myself blessed to watch Him work. I am here for you. I am here with you. I pray for you in ways you will never fully grasp. I pray for things that don't matter to you now... but they will. I also know that you are not truly mine. You belong to the Lord. He blessed me with you, gave me the responsibility of raising you, and ultimately he will call you where he wants you to go. I simply ask that you love me- faults and all. I cherish you more than you can fathom. I love you. Mom

A Star Wars Joke

Q: What is the Star Wars character's favorite Bible verse?

A: "Praise the Lord, for he is good and his love ENDORS forever."

Created by Sawyer Kenagy on May 30th, 2016.

Prayer

Lord,

Thank you so much for the incessant giggles from my boys. To hear joyous laughter ad nauseam warms my heart.

Thank you for the smiles on my boys. Despite the trials at hand, these two smile and laugh and help out around the house.

Thank you for Dempsey's increasing strength. Thank you for your provision for the trike. His enthusiasm and competitiveness reassre me that our little guy is a FIGHTER.

Thank you for the support structure you lined up for us to rely on during this journey. It has been overwhelming surprising and uplifting.

Thank you for a life partner who picks up where I leave off and is willing to walk this rough road with me. Thank you for the way he loves our boys and fathers them.

Thank you for being IN every aspect of this trial. Knowing this journey was not your will but that you are working it out for GOOD is comforting.

Thank you for your mercies that are new every moment and visible when I stop to look for them.

Please give Dempsey another great night in a long line of them. I pray against fevers, nausea, pain, and all negative side effects for Dempsey throughout this whole journey. I pray for courage. I pray for strength. I pray for health. I ask all of this for our Dempsey, in Jesus name!

Amen

So Proud of Sawyer

Sawyer to a "T"

A friend invited us to the park today after school. We showed up after lunch and were pleasantly surprised to find a group of kiddos we know from school were there. The main reason there were so many was that a friend's daughter was having princesses make good on a birthday order. Belle and Rapunzel were there to entertain and paint faces.

Sawyer was off playing with friends most of the time. Belle started some music and she was dancing with the girls and singing. Sawyer came over to check it out. Belle was twirling the little girls, and some big girls... because that's what girls do. She asked Sawyer "Would you like to spin?" Sawyer then bowed to her, took her hand, spun, and bowed again. Two mothers told me what they saw and, with their hands on their chests and faces filled with adoration, told me how precious that was.

That's my Sawyer.

While Sawyer was waiting to get his face painted (with two roses... yes, roses) one of his peers persuaded him to get out of line and chat. It was told to me that this boy didn't understand why Sawyer wanted to hang out with the girls. This boy, Sawyer said, thinks boys are better because God made Adam first and then made Eve from Adam.

How did Sawyer respond?

Sawyer told this boy, "Well, aren't girls the only reason you're alive?" In case you read that wrong, Sawyer's sentiment was that without a girl this boy wouldn't have been born. Sawyer just doesn't miss a beat. He really gets it. There is no better than in God's world. Plus, Sawyer loves all people and enjoys being around all people. It's a blessing and something I hope we can foster within him throughout his life.

Love my boy!

Happy 9th Birthday Sawyer

This incredible life form is 9 today!! What an amazing journey it is being his mama. He has been my rock since he was born. His mere existence makes my life exponentially better and worth living. He is such a wonderful human. He has been annointed since conception and started making the world a better place the moment he was born. He challenges me in many ways... one of which is growing my grace-giving skills. His person disarms even the crankiest of creatures and makes them instant friends. He desperately wants to do what is right and is super hard on himself when he "messes up". He blesses me with his unconditional love and randomly-timed compliments. HE CHOSE to attend church WITH ME this Sunday all on his own. It was magical. He loves better than I ever could. He inspires me!

I LOVE YOU, SAWYER!! Happy Birthday, son. 🎊🎁🎉

Sawyer's Amazon Wish List

A Cuddle Joke

He was watching Creatures of the Deep from the BBC's Planet Earth series. The segment was on cuttlefish. It happened to be the mating scenes when he said

Q: do you know why they do this?

I said, "because God programmed them that way."

A: that and because they're cuddlefish (cuttlefish).

This kid. Always looking for the joke.

A Nervous Joke

Q: why do animals get scared sometimes?

A. because they have a nervous system.

I asked Sawyer, did you hear that somewhere or make it up. He said, "With the help of the words nervous system I made it up."

Happy Mother's Day

As I start receiving loving messages of "Happy Mother's Day" this morning, I pause to survey my emotions.

Joy.
Love.
Gratitude.
Thankfulness.
Sadness.
Grief.

I'm sure there's more, too.

Joy because I have the most amazing husband who helped make me a mama- twice. The most perfect helpmate and life partner this woman could have. Two incredible sons that are already changing the world for the better. One who has been sent to me, in part, to be my rock and reason for for staying "present" in life. The other has been sent, in part, to bring me life-changing, heart wall demolishing, faith-building growth and more. I pray that I leave a legacy of love with and for these three gifts from God- my husband and two sons.

Love. Man! I have never been the center of so much love if you add my whole life together as I am right now. Love from family. Love from friends recent and long ago. Love from strangers to me. Love with prayer. Love with food. Love with gifts. Love with words. Love with presence. Love. Love is not only an amorous feeling. Love is not always easy. Love is a choice. It's choosing to care for someone when it's easy AND when it's hard. And boy, I'm I loved.

For all that love, I am grateful. God has opened my eyes and my heart in new ways. Ways that make it impossible to return to who I was. Too much width and depth between me then and me now. I am grateful. Gratfeul for God's faithfulness in joyful times and in times of despair. Grateful that He placed an incredible support structure around me to carry me through such a surreal journey. Grateful for everything I have and even what I don't have- because I have just what I need.

For me, being thankful is being able to find the good in bad situations and be glad about it. When I harness this I find strength in even dark seasons. I wasn't always a thankful person. It took time and practice for me to cultivate this in a genuine manner. Thankfulness is more than a fleeting "Thank you" out of obligation because, of course, manners. It comes from a place deep inside that realizes my life is not by accident and that my God-given job is not to be happy but obedient. When my focus is on the Lord, knowing HE knows what I need... thankfulness abounds.

Sadness because life is hard right now. Sadness because some relationships aren't as I expected. Sadness because there is pain and struggle. Sadness because I don't know where "normal" went. Sadness because my heart is aching. I think where there is true joy there will also be sadness.

Why grief? Because of loved ones gone, never to return. Because when things change in a shocking way I have to process through some tough stuff and those stages have been labeled "grief". Because there are circumstances currently at play that are so far beyond my realm of control. Because I survey the lives of dear friends and loved ones and see such profound pain. Grief happens. It's okay. I lean into it, work to feel it, and know I will emerge triumphant one day.

Be blessed today and everday my friends! YOU are worth celebrating EVERY DAY. People are worth celebrating every day.

New Joke

Q: What type of building will you find at the end of my name [Sawyer]?

A: an ER (emergency room)

Love it!!

Smarty Pants

Watching Curious George, in order to make a guitar someone said "all you need are the right parts".

Sawyer goes, "That's all you need to make anything."

So matter of fact. So true. Love his mind!

"Start thanking God..."

Sawyer tells me this morning, "You should start thanking God for my less interest in wii. If it wasn't for him that's all I'd want to do."

This kid. He cracks me up.

Although so much of the attention has shifted to Dempsey because of his leukemia, Sawyer is still the apple of our eyes. He's amazing. The best big brother Dempsey could have. Challenging but teachable.

We love this kid!

Pics of Sawyer in Yucaipa

Car Show 2016

Costco

This nice man in the blue sweatshirt came over to me to praise Sawyer for his manners and curiosity.
The man experienced Sawyer at a sample stand with pulled pork. He remarked that he hasn't seen such a curious boy since his own son was little. He also commented how nice it was to hear/ see a kid say both please and thank you at Costco when most people just grab and run.

English is Weird

A morning session of Outburst Jr 1989 edition with daddy.

Sawyer came across the word "yacht". He logically pronounced it "ya-cha-tee".

Jake and I chuckled. Sawyer felt a little embarassed. Jake and I explained we were laughing because that reminded us how silly some english words are.

Rodent Riddle

Sawyer Riddle
Q: What did question would a rodent ask?
A: what did you gopher? (go for)

Say it Aloud

Q: What did the car say to the plant?

A: Can I use your root (route)?

Quesadilla Joke

Q: Why didn't the meat run to the quesadilla?
A: Because it was chicken!

Birds and Bees

Jake and I ordered these books (pictured) to give them a look-see. Other family members recommended this series, so on their referral we decided to start the process of researching resources.

We want to discuss the birds and the bees with at least Sawyer, and maybe Dempsey. There is a lot of information that "could" be shared so we want to make sure we have our tool box full of appropriate and thorough information.

Jake and I will look through these books and see if they will work for our family. Jake and I will also discuss how we want to go about discussing this sensitive and beautiful topic with our boy(s).

A New Joke a la Sawyer

(To be read aloud)

Q: what do you call a fruit in another fruit?

A: a pear. (Get it? A pair??)